Hallelujah

[sharkemoji]

 

Taeil has been singing at Christmas masses for years.

It’s been well over a decade, nearly two, since his solos in his elementary school Catholic school got him a spot on the city choir’s holiday stage.

He’s had a lifetime of ballads and solos and performances in front of packed rooms. He’s even got a degree now, and his very own choir in his own city. It’s been so long since he’s stood on this familiar stage, in the spare vestments they keep in the rectory just in case. They don’t fit right, his old robes long gone.

Standing in the choir booth is a twisted sense of familiar.

He’s been singing solos at the Christmas mass for years.

Taeil has never sung at a funeral.

Regardless, he holds his head high.

He knows his hands are not allowed to shake. He isn’t even sure if he is truly allowed to be here, so he holds his hands steady.

The focus he has on his fingertips makes it easier to block out the mass around him. He sings when he’s promoted and listens when he should but every syllable goes in one ear and out the other.

He sings Hallelujah alone.

That was the request; the whole reason he drove two and a half hours to come to a funeral no one wanted him at was to sing a song no one wanted to hear.

The first notes of the piano should break him but he has spent two decades building brick houses for his heart and mind and soul.

“ I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord “

He doesn’t recognize his own voice, deeper, heavier, lower than he’s used to. Taeil doesn’t remember ever feeling this deeply.

“ But you don't really care for music, do ya? “

Tearing his eyes open is the only thing that keeps him from drowning. He’s spent the whole day pretending he wasn’t performing but he needs to be grounded by the reality of his situation. His eyes are wide open and he looks out at mourners who refuse to look back.

“ Well it goes like this “

It’s a closed casket. Not that Taeil went to the wake, but as he looks at it sitting on the familiar alter, he’s glad no one has to forget he was beautiful first.

“ the fourth, the fifth “

One face is looking back at Taeil. He holds back his choked voice and sings the song that the people here deserve. Taeil turns to the ceiling; he can’t look anymore. Eyes dig into his cheek. They burn. He’s afraid to acknowledge who is looking at him. The one person who shouldn’t want to see him.

“ The minor fall, the major lift “

In the ten years since Taeil moved out, and in the four since he had been back at all, he has never once wanted to be eighteen and stupid and thinking about a boy while sitting on opposite sides of a church pew. He has never once wanted to be sitting on the only couch in the rectory while a boy crossed his leg over Taeil’s and laughed at his jokes. He has never once wanted to be back behind the church pushing away a beautiful boy and making him cry even though Taeil was the one who kissed him first.

And yet this boy is looking at him for the first time in a decade like he wants Taeil to be there. In a room full of people who do not want him there this boy is looking at Taeil like he is the man he’s been waiting his whole life for.

If Taeil still prayed, he knows his prayers would sound like his name.

“ The baffled king composing “

Jaehyun.

“ Hallelujah “

Jaehyun Jaehyun Jaehyun.